Men can be self-centered!

ff chukwuneta oby

This was a young lady’s message to me:

“My parents’ marriage has been troubled since 2021 when my mum discovered that my dad has another child outside. My dad did not deny anything but things have not been the same between them since then.

“He said he had been apologising but my mum kept telling him ‘Go and face your child and her mother and leave me and my children alone’. He said he doesn’t relate with the girl’s mother again. He also said it was a mistake that happened on a night he was not himself.

“The reason I came to you is that my dad informed me that my half-sister gained admission into the same university that I attend. My dad is also telling me that he wants me to meet her and start keeping an eye on her in school. I am close to my dad but I don’t want to betray my mother. This whole issue affected her so much that she almost lost her job that time.”

She stated further, “I don’t know how to handle the request my dad is making of me. I don’t know how I will start seeing that girl after everything that is happening between my parents. My mum is very angry with my dad’s family because she feels they know everything that was going on and they supported it. Please, help me with your advice. I will be 20 years old very soon. I don’t know the age of my father’s daughter. He only told me her name. She is already bearing our surname.”

This is probably the part of family life that most men do not understand.

Children don’t do well with an upset in the family because the life they encounter out there is enough stress and family remains one place they run to for peace of mind.

Sometimes, it’s not about a woman being jealous that her husband slept with another woman.

The best way to describe it is, watching a supposed oneness of spirit that marriage symbolises crumbling!

It makes a woman feel not enough, defeated, hopeless, unsafe and resentful.

What I find most selfish of men is how fast they expect everyone to accept their unsavoury deeds and carry on as if everything is OK.

The father that is foisting a step sibling on this young lady has not even given her the time and space to process her feelings about all these or does he think she likes his deed?

These are ways we let our children lose faith in the emotional safety net that the family is supposed to be for them. And the next thing will be them seeking that succour out there via drugs, sex, wrong peer influences, etc.

When a married man chooses not to overstep certain boundaries, it’s not because he is ‘not man enough’, it’s because the upset these things cause in the family is often not worth it at the end of the day.

 I say to men, it is most insensitive to foist this kind of relationship on your children.

Give them enough time to process everything and then come around in their own way.

Don’t force them to start a sibling relationship with your other child yet.

Just have an honest conversation about the reality with your spouse and children and leave the matter alone.

Time will take care of a lot.

On the advice you seek, I have learnt that what people don’t have to know, they don’t have to know about it, especially if it’s something that will hurt and not benefit them in any way.

I don’t think you want to compound your mum’s hurt; she is already having a hard time dealing with this.

Let every action of yours be geared towards her healing and peace of mind.